I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
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If 3 out of 4 people SUFFER from diarrhea,
does that mean that one enjoys it?
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Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and Guys fall in love with
what they see. That's why girls wear make up and guys lie!
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No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
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I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
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I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
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I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... and that person drinks a lot.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with…
They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening.
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If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
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I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display.
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Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
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