You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that
whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
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People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better.
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If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
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I'm going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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Who says nothing is impossible?
I've been doing nothing for years.
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Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!
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I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too!
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Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts.
Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
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Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.
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Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad.
Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
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Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next".
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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I'm in shape...
Unfortunately,
it's the shape of a potato.