Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A. A stick.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems.
The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bees hum?
A. They don't remember the text!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND THOUGHT, FIRST FOUR DATES:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What swims and starts with a T?
A. Two ducks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I ate a clock yesterday,
it was very time-consuming.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
0 Comments